What happens when a man realises that only men attract him while living in Serbia where most people the existence of homosexuality and different sexuality do not accept or deny it and even loath such feelings. In the country where the word "fag" is used for describing the worst human features and often is identified with pedophilia.
Andrija T. (30) is one of the rare men sexually different from the most, who was capable of solving his conflicts and was brave enough to speak out about what he really is.
"I am a fag man. I am what I am and I have not chosen to be the one, but that is it. I love men and only they attract me. I have no dilemmas any more and I do not camp at psychiatrists` doors looking for the `cure`. I rarely use the word `gay` for the word `fag` is absolutely acceptable for me. It is the same as saying I am a man in spite of all negative connotations it carries we have been used to," says Andrija.
Now it is easy, he adds, to say all this after ten years of suffering, torturing and maltreating myself.
"For years my each day was beginning with the feeling of worthlessness, deficiency and sorrow for being what I am and betraying everybody - my father, mother, friends, sister who caringly kept her children`s clothes for her future nephews. I betrayed my girl friend who every Christmas used to wish me to wake in the morning with the loving woman beside me. Each time anybody of them looked at me or told me something I asked myself how should I tell them that `something was wrong with me`," explains Andrija.
That was the time, he continues, when my difficult trip has started. I knocked on several doctors` doors; I went to therapists and even turned to religion and everyday self-persuasions that I love women and should be with them. This was all going on until the moment an eminent psychiatrist has virtually told me: "Listen to me, young man, stop coming. You are neither crazy nor sick. You are a gay and be what you are. Do not deprive other patients who really need help of my time."
"When I have gathered strength, I got up courage to confess to my closest family. Their first reaction was horrible, shocking, with tears and despair, so painful. One should adopt, accept, and survive such a fact. But now, it is quite different. Beside my accepting myself I was also accepted by them; my sister does not keep her children`s clothes any more; my girl friend does not wish me to meet the woman of my life but the man of my life; my parents do not talk about that any more and do not ask questions. It is probably easier for both them and me that way. And it is absolutely natural for my longstanding partner to be present at all family gatherings," says Andrija T.
According to psychotherapist Milan Djuric, when a person realises his/her homosexual predisposition he/she feels frightened, has strong feeling of guilt and great confusion.
"After these appears very strong mechanism of suppression because of internalised homophobia. The pillars of civilisation - state, religion, science, laws, media, do not accept homosexuality and have negative attitude towards it. More precisely - they are homophobic and hold this as something not customary and normal. Even science does not treat human homosexuality as a natural one although in nature, in animal world, there are examples and proves of the existence of homosexual relationships between males and females. In such surroundings it is absolutely logical that suppression of own sexuality would be maximal," explains Djuric. He also adds that this is complete pillar those people have against themselves and therefore it is inevitable for them to ask themselves: "Am I seriously ill?"
When adding this dilemma various layers of guilt towards parents, family, brothers and sisters, as well as the feeling of abandonment and betrayal, unavoidable is the development of conflict towards oneself and surroundings.
"Homophobic surroundings also considerably contribute to the enlargement of fear from self-knowledge and acceptance. Prejudices that gay people come across every day play key role in all those problems. Some of them are myths about homosexual people being tender, subtle, sophisticated; that powerful gay lobbies exist; that this is just a temporary phase, fashionableness, as well as that in some nations and countries there are no gay persons although surveys show that in all populations and all areas there are ten percent homosexuals. Also there are such prejudices, the darkest ones, that all gay people are the pedophiles although world researches document 90 percent of pedophiles are heterosexuals," adds Djuric.
According to him, taboo topic is talking about them, and the greatest taboos hold since they defend themselves by silence. Therefore, LGBTTIQ groups are frequently exposed to verbal and physical violence.
"Survey data show that 60 percent of those groups` members are constantly exposed to violence but very small percent report the problem out of fear of public appearance and revealing own sexual orientation and further violence and branding. Especially in surroundings that have fascist attitude regarding different sexual orientation. Serbia is one of extremely homophobic countries where macho sexist attitude prevails and majority is of the opinion that there is no gay population in Serbia or that it is, at least, not numerous. Certainly, this is one more big delusion," points out Djuric asking where all that hate and violence come from towards different orientations if the people are sure about their sexuality.
Such an attitude is not just Serbia`s characteristic, he adds saying it could also be accounted to Poland that, although a member of the EU, has fascist attitude towards those people. Best example is the recent Polish bill proposal forbidding gay people to approach the children.
"Fortunately, such attitudes do not have other countries of the EU and the world. For example, in the Netherlands, Great Britain and Scandinavian countries those people are treated as normal population. Nobody will pay attention and be surprised seeing at the street two men or women holding hands as a pair. It is completely normal for somebody to tell you he/she is a gay," explains Djuric adding Canada is the most liberal country regarding human rights respect.
According to him, society flexible attitude is of great importance against getoisation creation, and gay parades are the matter of human rights respect.
"Gay parade is the matter of freedom and rights of every man to expression and freedom of celebrating own holiday as any other. The best example of tolerance and human rights respect improvements regarding gay people is Croatia where such a gathering police cordons were securing in 2006. In 2007 there were much less police present, and in 2008 even three times less while the President Stjepan Mesic sent a letter of support to the freedom of expression," explains Djuric.
* Gordana Basovic is a journalist with Politika daily** Published: 2008/10/31
